He is ever-elusive and ever-intriguing, and possesses a mysteriously irresistible appeal. The Unavailable Man comes in different packaging, depending on the nature of his pursuer. At 24 I overlooked multiple confessions from a man who lied about his age, his job, and his marital status.
My therapy practice sees many clients attempting to loosen themselves from his grip. I am not quite certain when my pattern began, but by 11 years old I was writing longingly in a journal about being rejected by the boy I had a crush on for two years (who had never given me an ounce of indication he had any pre-pubescent reciprocal interest in me).
My primary interest is not in what makes The Unavailable Man tick, but rather, why certain women seek him out, and then quite often continue to seek him out, repeatedly, without any conscious understanding of what they are doing, or why. Repetition compulsion is considered to be one of many common defense mechanisms.
But sometimes openings take time to reveal themselves.
It wasn’t until Sunday night, after Wanderlust had ended, that the fruits of Ana’s class, and some personal work I’d done over the past few months, began to reveal itself.
Perhaps you shared a lot in common with him and underwent an exciting emotional experience while interacting with him.
You were sure that there was a promising beginning of a great relationship.
As long as you were tolerant, the relationship stayed the same.
As soon as you became demanding, you started to grow apart.
Women in relationships with unavailable men feel that they have to work hard to keep their partners interested, and often try to shape themselves into being whatever they think their partners are looking for.
Simply put, relationships with unavailable men are frustrating and unsatisfying, yet too many women try-try-try to stick it out and make things work. Women who fall for unavailable men have some profound insecurities and self-esteem issues, and they invest so much in pursuing unavailable men with the following unconscious motive: If the unavailable man finally comes around and commits, they’ll—at long last—have proof that they are worthy.
Most women don’t seek out or sustain interest in unavailable men, but more women than any of us would like to admit do.